Thursday, July 24, 2008
IT class now.
I'm getting to be more unpopular in Hydrus every day. This week has been a drag.
Everyday it hurts but thanks to Uncle John I'll get to the bottom of the mystery of my dad.
Somehow.
Wow, I feel like Nancy Drew, XD.
These days I'm not talking to the guys, the people I always hang out with.
It feels like some limbo world, just flitting here and there, hanging around different people but always ending up on my own in the end.
And even though.. the loner life is cool, I just want to apologize.
Some of you guys don't know exactly what's been going on with me this past week.
I want to promise you guys that I will tell you what's going on, but I can't promise anyone anything because I've been a promise breaker all my life, just like with Justinn and Alvin and my dad.
I've done something that I don't regret but hurts me alot.
You guys don't know anything, because it concerns not just all of you in Hydrus but also all the people I've ever met and loved in my life.
I just want to say I'm sorry.
I thought I loved my class; maybe it's unrequited, now I think about it.
I miss you guys, Dawn and Sha. But I know you guys have your own lives. I also know deep inside my heart that I'm also a part of your lives. Please don't worry about me.
I guess I just need to learn to judge people better.
Went to see a gynae ytd.
Everyone was staring at me like, 'OMG why else would a 14yearold come to see a gynae?' and I could practically hear the gears in their brain clicking away.
Lol. I'm fine, not pregnant, at any rate.
Can't wait for Mr Yeo to be back.
It's 5 weeks to the end of Term 3.
Pressure is mounting. I feel the heat.
A friendship with yourself is worth more than a thousand friendships with the world.
I know that people may be thinking, 'Oh, she's finally showing her true colors.'
But what else am I to do, hide them and suffer inside?
I was grateful for you all once for pulling me to my feet after I fell.
But now you've turned your backs on me and are laughing at me at a distance with the person who pushed me down.
I can't believe I trusted you all again, so willingly, like a fool.
I've never felt so alone in my life,
but I guess the road to self-acceptance is one rarely travelled.
These days Mom wants me to look more at all the photographs of me and Dad.
I don't know what it will trigger.
I feel like a detective on her first mystery, so out of her depth and trying to figure out what's going on.
I'm a Nancy Drew trying to figure out the truth about her past, why she hurts everyone she loves and all this, at the cost of being able to love right.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Justinn:
You've been like a brother to me, and if not a close friend, then a friend nonetheless.
I'm sorry.
I've hurt you very badly, and what's happening now is the result of what I did - rejecting everything that you've been trying to do.
I admit that I don't know you at all now, I never did.
I'm sorry for not being able to.
I'm sorry for everything, dude.
You deserve someone who won't hurt you like I did.
I warned you about what happened to Alvin, and I'm sorry for it happening to you.
I'm sorry.
Maybe ten years down the road..
Y7:15 PM
